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Shiva Etiquette: Send Food in the First 7 Days or a Tree
The most appropriate things to send for shiva are ready-to-serve food like platters or baked goods, a meal delivery gift card, or a memorial gift such as a donation or a planted tree. Flowers are not part of Jewish mourning tradition, so food and acts of remembrance carry more meaning. Before you send anything, check with the family’s point person about kosher needs and allergies.
TL;DR:
Sending ready-to-serve food, such as kosher platters or baked goods, is ideal because mourners focus on grieving, not cooking or cleaning.
Always verify kosher certification, label allergens clearly, and prefer sealed, store-bought items or gift cards to avoid uncomfortable situations.
Deliver gifts within the first few days of shiva for maximum support, or within a few weeks if you miss the initial window, and coordinate with a family point person.
Flowers are not part of Jewish mourning customs; instead, choose food, donations, or planting a memorial tree as more meaningful gestures.
A brief condolence note and a safe, respectful choice of gift or memorial contribution are more valuable than elaborate presents or flashy arrangements.
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Practical food and gift categories that actually help
When you’re not sure what to send, start with food that needs no prep. Mourners during shiva are focused on grieving, not cooking or cleaning, so the kindest gifts are the ones that disappear into the background.
Ready-to-serve platters: deli sandwich trays, kosher platters, or pre-sliced baked goods let visitors graze without anyone lifting a finger.
Fruit and nut trays: dried fruit, nut mixes, and fresh fruit baskets are classic shiva gifts, though nut allergies mean you should label trays clearly or skip nuts entirely.
Comfort foods: soup in lidded, spill-proof containers, casseroles, and hot trays that can be reheated or frozen give the family something substantial without added work.
Breakfast items and challah: bagels, pastries, and challah are useful throughout the week, especially if Shabbat falls during the shiva period.
Snack baskets and coffee: simple spreads with coffee, tea, and easy snacks keep a steady stream of visitors fed without anyone running to the store.
Gift cards for delivery: when you’re too far away to drop something off, a gift card for a meal delivery service or a local restaurant solves the distance problem.
A shiva basket commonly includes baked goods, fruit, dried fruit, nuts, and chocolates, according to guidance from Dignity Memorial. The same source notes that timing it to arrive during the seven-day period is ideal, though sending something later is still welcome.
Whatever you send, think about the person receiving it at the door. Label the contents, note any reheating instructions, and include disposable plates, napkins, and utensils if the home doesn’t already have a full set on hand. A tray that arrives self-sufficient, with everything needed to serve it, is far more useful than one more dish someone has to wash.
Kosher and dietary considerations before you order
Food is the heart of shiva support, but the wrong food can create an awkward moment instead of comfort. If you know the family keeps kosher, choose certified kosher items only. If you’re not sure, default to kosher or simply ask the point person coordinating meals.
Check the label: kosher certification appears as a small symbol (a hechsher) on packaging, and different symbols indicate different supervising agencies, so when in doubt, certified kosher baked goods or sealed snacks are a safe, neutral choice.
Flag allergens clearly: mark nuts, dairy, and gluten on anything you send, and lean toward vegetarian or dairy-free options when you don’t know specific restrictions.
Store-bought versus homemade: a store-bought item with visible certification removes guesswork, while homemade food may be appreciated but should come with an ingredient list so the family can judge whether it fits their practice.
If you’re unsure about kosher practice, offering a general, sealed, labeled item like certified kosher baked goods or a gift card avoids putting the family in an uncomfortable position, as Dignity Memorial points out.
Pro Tip: When in doubt, a sealed, certified kosher item or a gift card is always a safer bet than a homemade dish of unknown ingredients.
When and how to deliver a shiva gift
Timing matters almost as much as what you send. Support tends to be strongest in the first few days and thins out quickly, so your gift lands best when it arrives at the right moment.
Send during the seven days whenever possible. This is when the family needs the most practical help and when visitors are most frequent.
If you missed that window, send within a few weeks. A care package that arrives two to three weeks after shiva can mean even more, since outside support typically drops off right when the family still needs it, according to JTA’s reporting on shiva food customs.
Contact the point person first. Most families designate someone, often a close friend or a synagogue contact, to coordinate meals and avoid five people showing up with the same lasagna.
Mark the package clearly. Label it “For shiva,” include reheating or serving notes, and if you’re delivering in person, enter quietly and wait to be acknowledged rather than announcing yourself.
Choose a reputable vendor for deliveries. Confirm kosher certification with the vendor directly if the family requires it.
Coordinating with a point person isn’t just polite, it’s practical: it prevents waste and makes sure the family actually receives what they need, when they need it, which is the entire purpose of the gesture in the first place, as ExploringJudaism explains.
What not to bring or send to a shiva
A few common instincts, however well-meant, can create more burden than comfort.
Skip the flowers. Flowers are not customary in Jewish mourning; food or a memorial donation fits the tradition far better.
Avoid anything that needs assembly or immediate refrigeration. A gift that requires the family to cook, chill, or build something adds work at the worst possible time.
Leave out celebratory or novelty items. Balloons, festive arrangements, or anything that feels like a party gift misses the tone of the occasion entirely.
Think twice before sending unsolicited keepsakes. A trinket or decorative object the family didn’t ask for often ends up as clutter to manage later.
Alcohol only if you know it fits. Some families welcome a bottle of wine for visitors; others would find it out of place, so this one depends entirely on knowing the household.
As Reform Judaism’s guidance on shiva customs notes, flowers simply aren’t part of the tradition, and a condolence call or short note is the better substitute when you can’t attend in person.
Alternatives and memorial gifts: donations and planting a tree
Food isn’t the only meaningful option, especially if you live far away or want to offer something that lasts beyond the week of mourning.
Donate to a cause the deceased cared about. Giving in someone’s name, whether to a synagogue, a hospital, or a charity they supported, is a widely accepted way to honor their memory.
Plant a tree in Israel. A memorial tree is a living tribute that grows over time rather than something consumed and gone within days.
Notify the family simply. A short card explaining the donation or tree gift, and how the family can view or access the memorial, closes the loop without requiring a response from them.
Planting a tree in memory carries particular weight because it ties remembrance to renewal: something new grows where the land itself benefits, turning grief into a lasting, physical gesture rather than a one-time sympathy card. Shiva traditions emphasize food over flowers, and donations or memorial trees are a recognized way to honor someone beyond a meal, as Sympathybrands notes.
Pro Tip: If you can’t deliver food because of distance, a donation or a memorial tree lets you contribute something meaningful without worrying about kosher logistics or delivery timing.
Writing a short, appropriate shiva card message
A brief, sincere note matters more than an elaborate one. Keep it short and let the sentiment carry the weight.
“I’m so sorry for your loss.” Simple, direct, and always appropriate.
“May [name]'s memory be for a blessing.” A traditional phrase that works in almost any note.
“Zikhrono livrakha” (for a man) or “zikhronah livrakha” (for a woman), the Hebrew phrase meaning “may his/her memory be a blessing,” if you want to include it alongside the English.
“Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.” A safe, warm line when you didn’t know the deceased personally.
Add a specific memory if you have one. A single sentence about a kindness or a moment you shared with the person often means more than generic condolences.
Mention a donation or tree gift briefly, for example: “We planted a tree in Israel in [name]'s memory.” Keep logistical notes like “I also sent a fruit platter” separate from the condolence itself.
Sign simply, with your name and relationship if the family might not immediately place you.
Avoid platitudes and unsolicited advice. Skip phrases like “everything happens for a reason” or suggestions about how they should grieve.
What shiva really asks of us
Food and gifts matter, but shiva has never really been about the basket on the counter. It’s about showing up, sitting quietly, and letting someone grieve without having to perform for guests. The families I think about most aren’t the ones who received the fanciest platter, they’re the ones who didn’t have to wash a single dish that week because someone thought to send disposable plates along with the meal.
Small, practical gestures carry more weight than anything flashy. Offering to organize a meal train so food doesn’t all arrive on the same day, or simply asking the point person what’s actually needed, does more good than another basket of baked goods nobody can finish. And always, check kosher and dietary needs first. It’s a small question that prevents a gift from becoming one more thing the family has to quietly set aside.
— HolyLandTree
A living memorial when food isn’t the right fit
For many families, a gift that grows and lasts means more than something consumed in a week. Planting a tree in Israel carries deep roots in Jewish values of memory and mitzvot, turning an act of remembrance into something that benefits the land itself. We built Plant a Tree in Israel for Shiva specifically for moments like this, when you want to honor someone without adding another dish to the kitchen counter.
Choose a tree planted in memory, with a commemorative card the family can keep.
Personalize the card with a photo, a short message, or a verse of scripture.
Add a frame through our framed commemorative card options for a lasting keepsake.
Send instantly from anywhere with a custom e-certificate delivered by e-mail the same day.
Orders are reviewed by a person and printed on sustainably sourced cardstock. If you’re far from the family or simply want to give something that outlasts the week of mourning, plant a tree for someone in Israel today and let the family know with a note explaining the gift.
FAQ
Is it appropriate to send flowers for shiva?
No, flowers are not customary in Jewish mourning and are generally avoided. Food, a condolence note, or a memorial donation fits the tradition far better, according to guidance on Jewish shiva customs.
What are the best gifts for shiva?
Ready-to-serve food such as platters, baked goods, and fruit baskets are the classic choice, along with gift cards for meal delivery when you can’t drop something off in person. A donation in the deceased’s name or a planted tree in Israel, like our Plant a Tree in Israel in Memory option, works well as a lasting alternative to food.
Can non-Jews attend a shiva?
Yes, non-Jewish friends, coworkers, and neighbors are welcome to attend a shiva and offer condolences. Dress modestly, follow the lead of other visitors, and focus on offering comfort rather than worrying about getting every custom exactly right.
What to wear to a shiva as a guest?
Modest, subdued clothing is appropriate, similar to what you’d wear to a somber gathering or a conservative office setting. Avoid bright colors or festive attire, and when unsure, business casual in muted tones is a safe choice.
How soon should I send a shiva gift if I can’t attend?
Sending something during the seven days of shiva is ideal, but a package that arrives a few weeks later is still meaningful, especially since outside support often fades quickly after the first week, per JTA’s reporting. If you’re unsure of timing, check with the family’s point person before sending.
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